There once was a time when life was harsh, unkind to this girl. A past that left me lonely, scared, uncertain.... aimlessly wandering the world.
Exhausted, numb, desperately in need of a home, a place to truly belong.
Somewhere to nurse my wounds, cover my scars, gaining strength I would need to help carry on.
Little did I know, a refuge found, unaware of my good fortune by allowing in a new friend.
The shelter, endlessly searched for, always just out of reach, here and ready, my new start to begin.
No problem leaving all that I knew forever behind, ecstatic to be rid of what left me feeling so empty.
Became someone I always knew existed inside, carefree and happy, my guard now dropped, finally free to be me.
The lack of care I'd recently, and always it seemed, shown for my life, left me feeling a singular blessing I no longer deserved.
A personal miracle proved me soon wrong, feeling just maybe the lesson God was teaching had finally been learned.
A child of my own, something I'd lost all hope of, never this joy in my life I'd find... of this I firmly believed.
Imagine the surprise, the wonder, when news that my Knight in shining armor and I had actually conceived.
Reality making clear that God's lesson I'd imagined was learned didn't exist, my real test to my future had now just begun.
Mistakes from the past, wrongs committed that weighed heavy, unexplainable but behind me, a person with purpose I've now become.
A guardian angel, of my own flesh and blood, disguised as a little girl, my daughter, beyond words was her beauty.
Injured at birth, her start so unfair, witnessed as a spark came into her eyes, her fight for her life amazing, nothing less than spectacular truly.
She grew, through her I grew also.... courage, strength, hope for a brighter future I now knew.
Her indefatigable tenacity to overcome the illness relentless in defining her life, our perseverance rewarded as she accomplished that which doctor's said she'd never do.
These moments showed me that life before Alyssa, my angel, was a life lived weak, one I'd foolishly given up on before applying effort.
Made an excuse of my previous existence, riddled with adversities, stunted my belief that success is obtainable, lost faith, then sight of all my endeavors.
Cerebral Palsy, pardon my English, is a bullshit disability, difficult in ways no one can imagine when it's consuming the happy, youthful child you'd give your own life to correct nature's cruel mistake.
The thought floating around that God plans the life of all he creates, that she was going to exist whether in my arms or another's, and I thank him, because with me she belongs, my life she truly saved.
Shortly down the road, on the journey I now traveled, euphoric at the discovery that the son I'd always wanted was on the way.
Full of life, extremely intelligent, a sensitivity that could defrost the coldest of hearts, and a sense of humor that puts a smile on every face.
A light when things seem dim, the unconditional love he shows me not just for himself but for the sister who can not speak is profound.
Another amazing addition to a life already perfect, a fire inside driving me to always be the best for them, to never let them down.
The last of my children, in two years will arrive, unexpected but so amazingly perfect that life would not be the same without her, our family she completes.
Her beauty, inside and out, unlike anything I've ever seen. Expressive, creative, her love a gift in itself,one who lives life to a different beat.
After five years creating our life, my beautiful man made me his wife, Christopher and Jessie Duncan, side by side through eternity.
This gorgeous soul, who revived a heart that was slowly dying inside, who encouraged me to believe in myself, accepted me unconditionally.
Still moments insecurities surface, the dark voice whispering how my family deserves better, how could the person I used to be possibly raise children when I made a mess with every choice made.
I answer back, that my words of advice will not be hollow, that they'll see the truth in my eyes as I walk them down memory lane, with mistakes it's been paved.
I remember that I was lost only because there was no one who wished to find me, that words of wisdom were picked up piece by piece from selected few, and know that had there been stability the outcome would have played differently.
I know that on my journey I inherited the qualities that will allow me to raise strong, beautiful, intelligent children who will possess a knowledge of the world that hurts indiscriminately.
They will not be jaded, cautious to extremes, but their eyes will be open, prepared for life and it's ways.
Confident that my experience, however negative at times, also taught me finer things... compassion, loyalty, dedication, empathy... tools important to recognize your errors when the line between right and wrong sways.
This is my life, my path my own, a story that only I can determine the end, blessed that four people, I'll love with my dying breath, stroll unique independent courses simultaneously with my own.
Different ages meaning different places but always together, security and confidence that your not alone.
Thank you for taking this look inside my world, stunningly beautiful in it's simplicity yet enough dysfunction to imply normalcy.
Thank you to my husband, Christopher..my babies Alyssa, Aidan, & Juiliana for loving me and allowing me to love you in return unequivocally.
Thank you to those friend's that stood by my side, through good as well as the bad, it was through you that I was able to balance the bad in my life with the good you represented, through you that I learned loyalty, honesty, friendship without conditions... through you I found the kind of person I want to be.
Thank you for the family I have now, for making the effort and responding when the effort made was mine, for keeping me grounded, and being there when I need a shoulder or ear without passing judgement. Love you more..... indefinitely.
My first poem in about 4 years, a little rusty but it's something I love to do. The last poem I wrote was for my Granny .. R.I.P. Miss you more :) Writing had actually been gone from my life a year before that. I hope you like it & feel free to share your opinions here.
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