Even as children ourselves we were collecting information on what it is to be a "Good Parent". In that youth we were encouraged, disciplined, trained in the use of good manners from the second we incoherently mumbled our first syllables, and taught that respect was something you ALWAYS gave to others until they gave you reason to take it away. When becoming Parent's ourselves we dug into the dusty corners of our "May be useless knowledge" brain files and came back with a plethora of parental knowledge, taking all the lessons our Parent's taught us, that served us well, and setting a starting guideline on the direction we ourselves would take in raising our own children. If anyone has had the experience I've had as a Mother, then you know that things are not so cut & dry these days. Our Parent's never had the internet or any technology actually to contend with. There wasn't kid's sitcoms on T.V. (Disney/Nick) that confuse your children into thinking that making smart alleck comments to adults isn't considered bad manners but comedy (and if your anything like me then your babies have already been corrected on the error in they're ways..LOL). Okay, now here's where I'm going to just jump right in on my reasoning behind this blog. Most blog's I think up in the minutes it takes for my computer to power up but this one has been brewing for over a week..... ummm hmmmm, gonna be some good stuff :) Alright, with it being said that we were brought up to be good people, taught that if we did live the "right way" than our lives would be a reflection of our behavior, would be lives we could be proud of. Well if I were sugar-coating this fine evening than it would sound like this..... Treating everyone with respect and doing what's right served me well, didn't always inspire others to treat me with the same but I haven't walked a mile in their shoes so maybe they were having difficult times, you know, making them treat me poorly. Buuuuutttttt, sugar-coating will not be my specialty today. The truth is that though I have always been proud of my upbringing, have always felt great about treating people with respect & find good manners an important asset I use everyday, a majority of people today could care less about anyone outside of their own life circle. That sounds harsh & more than a little judgmental but through my experiences I've found that when you give, people today just take and come back for second helpings every chance they get. The human race today is riddled with manipulators, liars, hostile I-take-because-it's-owed-to-me types of people. If you come into contact with just 1-2 of these types a month your living a pretty good life, if your contact is with 3-4 of these type people a month (about once a week) then your life is considered pretty normal, a common interaction level. Now, if your super lucky, like myself, than these kind of people are always popping up. I actually have one that we have no choice but to deal with regularly, yay me. Liars & manipulators seem to be actual jobs because they put in time planning & plotting. What's funny (yes, I'm laughing on the inside) is that there are actually 4 medical titles for different types of Liars. We have the "Compulsive" Liar, who according to Psychiatrist's, is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and
reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the
truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling
the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. It's believed that they lie because it's a habit they can't break. The "Habitual" Liar shares the same personality disorders that define the "Compulsive" Liar only they lie so often effortlessly that it's difficult to know when they're lying, however, they lie so quickly without reason or time to think that they seldom benefit from lying because of inconsistencies & being obvious.Then there's the "Sociopath" Liar, also known as the "Pathological" Liar, A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get
their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is
often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's
way). Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and
feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but
they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered
ways. I wanted to share the way they define Liar's in the medical world, actually gave them a medical diagnosis like it's a sickness & not a lifestyle choice used to get around having to accept responsibility for their action's. These diagnosis even come complete with excuses for how life's difficult moments molded them into the Liar's they are... dysfunctional family, abuse, impulse-control disorder, accommodating personality traits, etc. Where am I going with all this, right? I wonder if teaching our children that if they treat people good then they'll be treated good in return isn't somehow putting them at a disadvantage when we live in a world that makes excuses for people who will only take advantage of them. We live in a world where every bad behavior is slapped some kind of medical diagnosis on it and asked to be forgiven because they're considered ill. We teach our children to be kind to one another, to share, to help others whenever they can, & to be sympathetic caring honest individuals. Are we really just preparing them to be little lambs in a big bad world of wolves? And how do we try to help them understand the difference between the type of manipulating liars described above & the little white innocent lies all parents tell them occasionally to make life a little easier or fun? My son asks me every time a toy commercial comes on which is about 900 times a day if I can buy the toy for him, in order to dodge the 30 question "Why?" inquisition I tell him "yes" because I know he'll forget all about even wanting the toy in an hour, have told my kid's that if they didn't stop acting up in the store that the manager would throw them out, then there's the one about a jolly old man who lives with Elves and scurries down chimney's with toys for kid's who have been good all year, and the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy... the list goes on. Children are very black & white with millions of question's when a grey area comes into play. No matter how harmless, a lie is a lie, and we've taught them that lying is wrong. I'm not saying I'll be setting the kid's down any time soon and crushing their little holiday spirits by exposing their Holiday Hero's as non-existant. There's a good chance when they figure out the holidays have had some less than truthful aspects to them that there will be some question's asked. I'll never forget when Isabella came home from school & asked me to tell her the truth about Santa, a little girl in her class told her he wasn't real and she wanted to know if it was true. I told her she'd have to decide for herself wether he was real or not.... yeah, that didn't fly so I had to come clean, it stung when she asked me why I would have lied to her about it, she said I never lie to her about anything so she really believed Santa existed :( There will never be a good time to explain to my sweet innocent babies that there are people out there that may wish to do them harm through no fault of their own. That conversation is a very long way away because now & for some time to come they have me to protect them. I'd love to hear your opinion's so feel free to comment :)
Your post is thought provoking -- saying basically, that we teach our children to be kind and to tell the truth while worrying that we're setting them up to be taken advantage of while all the while telling lies to them ourselves (santa, etc.)
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are this -- We have to teach our children to see the good in the world and to treat others as we would like to be treated. Otherwise we risk raising fearful, timid children that are suspicious of others and afraid to make their way in the world. As parents we strive to give our children a balanced combination of self confidence and common sense. You're doing that - quit beating yourself up.
I know a mother who has taught her child all of her grown-up (maybe slightly paranoid) fears -- fear of strangers, of being kidnapped, fear of thunderstorms, bad weather, fear of school shootings, fear of so many things that IMHO should not be passed on to the child.
You are showing by example that life is to be enjoyed - to be savored - to be lived with kindness and respect. You can't keep the bad guys away in every instance, but you can give them the confidence and the tools they need to deal with whatever comes their way. Furthermore, you will be there for them - listening, supporting their decisions and offering guidance and support.
As for Santa -- I told my children that Santa is in the hearts and minds of everyone who believes, and that we all can be Santa for the people we love. Now that's not a lie, is it?