Idle Hands.... Ispiration's Playground

Caras Ionut

In less than 2 months time I will be sending my 2 oldest babies, Alyssa 5 & Aidan 4, into the hands of the public school system. While this alteration in my current life causes me discomfort I have pledged to be undaunted, to actually use this experience to explore avenues of my own personal wants and dreams. I've decided to write a book. That's right, a book, a novel, one of surreal dream-like origin set in the actual every day reality. I will come here often, asking of you opinions on certain aspects, asking for you to assist in my work in progress. As if we, together, whom ever you may be, will write this together, will work unanimously to bring to life the dream I've selfishly held hostage for many years. My dearest, Lottie, I fear that most of this work will fall on your shoulders, for your honesty and refreshing approach to my writing is exactly what I need. In the chance that my novel ever makes it to print, it will be published as Authors: Jessie Shales & Lottie Essig. My dear friend, I could think of no greater honor than to share this with you. I love you for your many amazing qualities, but most for being simply you, for being there with me when I lost the MOST important person in my life when no others understood or cared too the pain I was being suffocated by. You didn't owe me anything, barely knew me, yet we had our love for him in common and you used that common ground to offer me a friendship I need more than I even realized myself. Thank you! I love you! And now that I've said all of that, you'll definitely help me with your literary genius... lol... how could you not :) I have the foundation for the novel, yet will be using my dreams as a guide. I've always been what some call a "Lucid Dreamer".. very clear, lifelike dreams, very surreal Dali-Like, often duressed with situations beyond my understandings. In these dreams I never choose to wake but allow them to run course, other times I have the ability to alter the dream and make it what I want. Always waking feeling as if I actually lived the events in actual time. These dreams so real... touch, smell, sounds all experienced as if they actually took place. I've woken smelling burning, flowers, the tickle of a feather still on my cheek.... never seen this as anything more than intriguing, yet now I feel like these experiences are my gift to write the best damn novel ever. And with my new found time... I will be accomplishing my goal. I've seen my readers have climbed from a humble viewer ammounts to a couple hundred, that alone reinstills my belief that writing, my writing, is something of interest, something to nurture. Tonight... I begin :)

This Road My Own, No One Can Walk It But Me

    There once was a time when life was harsh, unkind to this girl.               A past that left me lonely, scared, uncertain.... aimlessly wandering the world.

Exhausted, numb, desperately in need of a home, a place to truly belong.
Somewhere to nurse my wounds, cover my scars, gaining strength I would need to help carry on.
      
Little did I know, a refuge found, unaware of my good fortune by allowing in a new friend.
The shelter, endlessly searched for, always just out of reach, here and ready, my new start to begin.
      
No problem leaving all that I knew forever behind, ecstatic to be rid of what left me feeling so empty.
Became someone I always knew existed inside, carefree and happy, my guard now dropped,  finally free to be me.
       
The lack of care I'd recently, and always it seemed, shown for my life, left me feeling a singular blessing I no longer deserved.     
A personal miracle proved me soon wrong, feeling just maybe the lesson God was teaching had finally been learned.
      
 A child of my own, something I'd lost all hope of, never this joy in my life I'd find... of this I firmly believed. 
Imagine the surprise, the wonder, when news that my Knight in shining armor and I had actually conceived.
      
 Reality making clear that God's lesson I'd imagined was learned didn't exist, my real test to my future had now just begun.
Mistakes from the past, wrongs committed that weighed heavy, unexplainable but behind me, a person with purpose I've now become.
      
 A guardian angel, of my own flesh and blood, disguised as a little girl, my daughter, beyond words was her beauty.
Injured at birth, her start so unfair, witnessed as a spark came into her eyes, her fight for her life amazing, nothing less than spectacular truly.
      
She grew, through her I grew also.... courage, strength, hope for a brighter future I now knew.
Her indefatigable tenacity to overcome the illness relentless in defining her life, our perseverance rewarded as she accomplished that which doctor's said she'd never do.
      
These moments showed me that life before Alyssa, my angel, was a life lived weak, one I'd foolishly given up on before applying effort.
Made an excuse of my previous existence, riddled with adversities, stunted my belief that success is obtainable, lost faith, then sight of all my endeavors.
      
 Cerebral Palsy, pardon my English, is a bullshit disability, difficult in ways no one can imagine when it's consuming the happy, youthful child you'd give your own life to correct nature's cruel mistake.
The thought floating around that God plans the life of all he creates, that  she was going to exist whether in my arms or another's, and I thank him, because with me she belongs, my life she truly saved.
       
Shortly down the road, on the journey I now traveled, euphoric at the discovery that the son I'd always wanted was on the way.
Full of life, extremely intelligent, a sensitivity that could defrost the coldest of hearts, and a sense of humor that puts a smile on every face.
      
 A light when things seem dim, the unconditional love he shows me not just for himself but for the sister who can not speak is profound. 
Another amazing addition to a life already perfect, a fire inside driving me to always be the best for them, to never let them down.
      
The last of my children, in two years will arrive, unexpected but so amazingly perfect that life would not be the same without her, our family she completes.
Her beauty, inside and out, unlike anything I've ever seen. Expressive, creative, her love a gift in itself,one who lives life to a different beat.
      
After five years creating our life, my beautiful man made me his wife, Christopher and Jessie Duncan, side by side through eternity.
This gorgeous soul, who revived a heart that was slowly dying inside, who encouraged me to believe in myself, accepted me unconditionally.
      
Still moments insecurities surface, the dark voice whispering how my family deserves better, how could the person I used to be possibly raise children when I made a mess with every choice made.
I answer back, that my words of advice will not be hollow, that they'll see the truth in my eyes as I walk them down memory lane, with mistakes it's been paved.
     
 I remember that I was lost only because there was no one who wished to find me, that words of wisdom were picked up piece by piece from selected few, and know that had there been stability the outcome would have played differently.
I know that on my journey I inherited the qualities that will allow me to raise strong, beautiful, intelligent children who will possess a knowledge of the world that hurts indiscriminately.        
     
They will not be jaded, cautious to extremes, but their eyes will be open, prepared for life and it's ways.
Confident that my experience, however negative at times, also taught me finer things... compassion, loyalty, dedication, empathy... tools important to recognize your errors when the line between right and wrong sways.  
      
This is my life, my path my own, a story that only I can determine the end, blessed that four people, I'll love with my dying breath, stroll unique independent courses simultaneously with my own.
Different ages meaning different places but always together, security and confidence that your not alone.
       
Thank you for taking this look inside my world, stunningly beautiful in it's simplicity yet enough dysfunction to imply normalcy.
Thank you to my husband, Christopher..my babies Alyssa, Aidan, & Juiliana for loving me and allowing me to love you in return unequivocally.
        
Thank you to those friend's that stood by my side, through good as well as the bad, it was through you that I was able to balance the bad in my life with the good you represented, through you that I learned loyalty, honesty, friendship without conditions... through you I found the kind of person I want to be.
Thank you for the family I have now, for making the effort and responding when the effort made was mine, for keeping me grounded, and being there when I need a shoulder or ear without passing judgement. Love you more..... indefinitely.
  
 
 
            

Is Honesty The Best Policy????

Even as children ourselves we were collecting information on what it is to be a "Good Parent". In that youth we were encouraged, disciplined, trained in the use of good manners from the second we incoherently mumbled our first syllables, and taught that respect was something you ALWAYS gave to others until they gave you reason to take it away. When becoming Parent's ourselves we dug into the dusty corners of our "May be useless knowledge" brain files and came back with a plethora of parental knowledge, taking all the lessons our Parent's taught us, that served us well, and setting a starting guideline on the direction we ourselves would take in raising our own children. If anyone has had the experience I've had as a Mother, then you know that things are not so cut & dry these days. Our Parent's never had the internet or any technology actually to contend with. There wasn't kid's sitcoms on T.V. (Disney/Nick) that confuse your children into thinking that making smart alleck comments to adults isn't considered bad manners but comedy (and if your anything like me then your babies have already been corrected on the error in they're ways..LOL). Okay, now here's where I'm going to just jump right in on my reasoning behind this blog. Most blog's I think up in the minutes it takes for my computer to power up but this one has been brewing for over a week..... ummm hmmmm, gonna be some good stuff :) Alright, with it being said that we were brought up to be good people, taught that if we did live the "right way" than our lives would be a reflection of our behavior, would be lives we could be proud of. Well if I were sugar-coating this fine evening than it would sound like this..... Treating everyone with respect and doing what's right served me well, didn't always inspire others to treat me with the same but I haven't walked a mile in their shoes so maybe they were having difficult times, you know, making them treat me poorly. Buuuuutttttt, sugar-coating will not be my specialty today. The truth is that though I have always been proud of my upbringing, have always felt great about treating people with respect & find good manners an important asset I use everyday, a majority of people today could care less about anyone outside of their own life circle. That sounds harsh & more than a little judgmental but through my experiences I've found that when you give,  people today just take and come back for second helpings every chance they get. The human race today is riddled with manipulators, liars, hostile I-take-because-it's-owed-to-me types of people. If you come into contact with just 1-2 of these types a month your living a pretty good life, if your contact is with 3-4 of these type people a month (about once a week) then your life is considered pretty normal, a common interaction level. Now, if your super lucky, like myself, than these kind of people are always popping up. I actually have one that we have no choice but to deal with regularly, yay me. Liars & manipulators seem to be actual jobs because they put in time planning & plotting. What's funny (yes, I'm laughing on the inside) is that there are actually 4 medical titles for different types of Liars. We have the "Compulsive" Liar, who according to Psychiatrist's,  is defined as someone who lies out of habit.  Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions.  Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.  For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. It's believed that they lie because it's a habit they can't break. The "Habitual" Liar shares the same personality disorders that define the "Compulsive" Liar only they lie so often effortlessly that it's difficult to know when they're lying, however, they lie so quickly without reason or time to think that they seldom benefit from lying because of inconsistencies & being obvious.Then there's the "Sociopath" Liar, also known as the "Pathological" Liar, A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others.  A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way).  Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others.  Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways. I wanted to share the way they define Liar's in the medical world, actually gave them a medical diagnosis like it's a sickness & not a lifestyle choice used to get around having to accept responsibility for their action's. These diagnosis even come complete with excuses for how life's difficult moments molded them into the Liar's they are... dysfunctional family, abuse, impulse-control disorder, accommodating personality traits, etc. Where am I going with all this, right? I wonder if teaching our children that if they treat people good then they'll be treated good in return isn't somehow putting them at a disadvantage when we live in a world that makes excuses for people who will only take advantage of them. We live in a world where every bad behavior is slapped some kind of medical diagnosis on it and asked to be forgiven because they're considered ill. We teach our children to be kind to one another, to share, to help others whenever they can, & to be sympathetic caring honest individuals. Are we really just preparing them to be little lambs in a big bad world of wolves? And how do we try to help them understand the difference between the type of manipulating liars described above & the little white innocent lies all parents tell them occasionally to make life a little easier or fun? My son asks me every time a toy commercial comes on which is about 900 times a day if I can buy the toy for him, in order to dodge the 30 question "Why?" inquisition I tell him "yes" because I know he'll forget all about even wanting the toy in an hour, have told my kid's that if they didn't stop acting up in the store that the manager would throw them out, then there's the one about a jolly old man who lives with Elves and scurries down chimney's with toys for kid's who have been good all year, and the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy... the list goes on. Children are very black & white with millions of question's when a grey area comes into play. No matter how harmless, a lie is a lie, and we've taught them that lying is wrong. I'm not saying I'll be setting the kid's down any time soon and crushing their little holiday spirits by exposing their Holiday Hero's as non-existant. There's a good chance when they figure out the holidays have had some less than truthful aspects to them that there will be some question's asked. I'll never forget when Isabella came home from school & asked me to tell her the truth about Santa, a little girl in her class told her he wasn't real and she wanted to know if it was true. I told her she'd have to decide for herself wether he was real or not.... yeah, that didn't fly so I had to come clean, it stung when she asked me why I would have lied to her about it, she said I never lie to her about anything so she really believed Santa existed :( There will never be a good time to explain to my sweet innocent babies that there are people out there that may wish to do them harm through no fault of their own. That conversation is a very long way away because now & for some time to come they have me to protect them. I'd love to hear your opinion's so feel free to comment :)

Read more http://depressiond.com/pathological-liar/